Simply VulnerabLE
The feeling of being exposed, or in danger. Maybe the feeling of opening yourself up to someone and not knowing if you can trust them.
My last devotional was on trust and when someone suggested I write on the topic of vulnerability, I took it as a challenge, going through my life stories to see which one could relate to the topic.
When I think of being vulnerable, I think of friendships that I’ve had where I poured out my heart, where I was real and raw and then shut out. No longer considered friend.
I think of the times when I trusted men and they used their strength to hurt and harm.
I think of my husband who has proved over and over that there is no part of me that I can’t show him where he won’t prove that he is my safe place. Other than the Lord, Hunter is where I can be me, all of me. He loves all the gross, pretty, feisty bits of me and just keeps doing what he does best. Loving (I hope this for all my lady friends praying for a husband).
Don’t settle.
I think of Jesus, my Lord, my saviour. The One I hope to bring glory to.
He has seen me at my most vulnerable. From womb to walking.
He has held my hand through sorrow and shame and all the celebratory moments.
He has caught all the tears these eyes have cried. I have hid from Him and he constantly finds me at my worst and calls me His.
He’s been with me in all the moments, from the cemetery to the Sanctuary. From the moment I was conceived, He saw me and knew me.
He has been at each of my most vulnerable moments.
We all have a deep desire to be known, to be seen and to be recognized. Some crave it from friendships, all wives desire it from their husbands, every mom hopes their kid sees them and thinks their cool and relevant. Every woman wants to feel beautiful and every wife wants to give all of herself to her husband. It is the most vulnerable one can feel. It is intimacy with our lover that we were made for.
What I feel is true, is that the first step to being vulnerable is to be vulnerable with Jesus. And if you don’t know him as friend, I invite you to that. You will never feel fulfilled without Him. Imagine living your life without knowing who created you and why he deemed it worthy. You will always seek to find joy inside a world that hates God, you will only find everything you need inside a relationship with God.
He knows every part of you. He knows when you act out in rage, He knows your temper and he also knows the sound of your laughter. He knows your struggles, dreams and everything stuffed inside that body and mind of yours. You can feel safe with Him but you need to be in a relationship to know and grow into that.
Everything good will grow from the roots that go down deep in the relationship with him.
To be very honest, I face this feeling of terror when I share my writing. I have to sift through thoughts and feelings that what I’m sharing is not only being read by friends and trusted ones. Not only that, but also by those who will judge and criticize and perhaps laugh and mock (at my most vulnerable). I have come to a place where I’m ok with both. I can’t have one without the other, being vulnerable in what I write is what I feel I’m called to and I refuse to filter what God says to share. I think what the world needs are Christians who can be real about the struggle and their saviour at the same time.
I’m not perfect, I have never been. I have made really big mistakes. I made mistakes knowing I was making mistakes. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t.
What wisdom looks like for me is talking about it when God says talk about it and keeping it private when He says to keep it private. There is a time to release things and then a time to keep your mouth shut and for some of that, I have learned, that God is still dealing with my heart about something and I’m not mature enough to talk about it.
So, when I do feel called, I know my Fathers' voice well enough to know it's okay to be vulnerable about that story.
Being vulnerable is a journey and nothing to rush into. No need to bare-all-tell-all to whoever all, it requires maturity and there is nothing wrong with keeping things close to your heart and far from your mouth for a season.
Know your audience, know that your friend is actually your friend and that (in my experience) doesn’t happen overnight.
Its nothing I take lightly. I am very aware that I have several best friends and never have I taken that for granted most have been going on 20 years plus, some are 3-4 years old but regardless of the age of friendship, these are women that I can trust with my whole heart and every corner of my soul because we have done life together, cried tears, seen each other at our worst and best, have shown our flaws and most of it was never made public. Friendships like that grow over time, through trials, living room visits, long talks over tea, even longer drives in cars and over many prayers prayed.
Allow me to share one last thing, I keep going back to this memory. It is one of the dearest to my heart. (Perhaps I’m practicing me being vulnerable.)
I think of my grandmother. You would have LOVED Mildred.
She was one of my best friends. We talked about everything, she was a wild one. She was a teacher as her career, she travelled all around the world, and she had a vast friend group that included all kinds. She loved shucking peas on the porch in the summer heat, the daily lexicon and became a writer and recognized painter in her later years. When she was old and in the last days breath had to offer, she didn’t stop finding a way to write.
Blindness took her eyesight captive but no one could take her words and in a last attempt to leave final words in print, she had someone write down the words as she could only speak. She had them typed, printed and sent out as letters and cards to her closest relatives and friends. She lived her calling until it couldn’t call anymore, she died giving her last words life.
I think of that.
When I feel scared, I think of that. My grandmother doing what she loved while leaving.
What will my regret be on my death bed, sharing too much? Or taking my words to the grave? I don’t want my story buried, I don’t want my purpose under dirt.
I want books with stories that God said, “WRITE”.
I want my legacy to be on a bookshelf and picked up by the hands of someone who needs to read what I wrote, to know a God who is for them and wants to heal the areas where they feel like vulnerability has taken dreams hostage and fear is the ransom.
The last thing Mildred (we called her Baba) ever wrote, with no eyesight, was her name. Old-aged hands writing in scribbled letters. It’s tattooed on my back. I never want to forget that she went for it. That she wrote books, painted pictures and shared her story.
She lived life in vulnerability, therefore inspiring generations and granddaughters to do the same.
She was my hero, a writer, just like me. I only wish I started sooner so she could read.
So, if you are supposed to do something and you feel like it might be the thing to crack you wide open, it might be the most vulnerable thing you’ll ever do and that scares the skirt off you. Know that there is a God that gave you the talent.
Then, when you fast forward to the day you lay on your death bed, and your last breaths are few, you will have no regrets. You will die knowing that you:
did the thing
made the friend
wrote the book
adopted the kid
sang the song
painted the picture
preached the sermon
You die knowing what you did actually inspired someone else to do it too.
I hope this inspires you out of that vulnerable spot that has held you stuck…I hope you find Jesus if you don’t know him because that is where you will find purpose.
That is also where you’ll be the most vulnerable yet feel the most free.
He will also help you find your people, that inner circle group of friends that love you authentically. That kind of friend will cheer you on to be all you were meant to be.
My relationship with vulnerability has morphed over the years. Now I feel much wiser, I walk with discernment as my confidant. I know more when to talk and when to shut my mouth. It takes growing and maturing to gain ground.
Who can agree with that? What I’m hoping is that these vulnerable words will set you free to trust God in all He’s called you to do.
Amen? AMEN!
Love ya,
MM